Pouring out my feelings

Today I have decided permanently that I shall die, but only once my father has passed, as well as my grandmother. I also cherish my wife and will stay alive for her. However I am already dead, having commit spiritual suicide long ago. There is merely nothing left for me here in this world.

I need to address something. As you know, my parents were mixed, with, of course my mother being asian and my father white. This obviously is not a coincidence. Many asian women are quick to say that this is because of poor behavior on the part of asian men, patriarchal, sexist attitudes, etc., but I imagine most of the hostility derives after the asian women have decided that Asian men are ugly; I.e., it’s clear that asian women are not attracted to asian men, whereby they pursue relations with white men, this earning the anger of asian males. I do not believe there is anything to the rhetoric that they spit. It’s fairly clear to me that I have been doomed to be the product of nothing more than aggressive breeding habits.

Now, knowing this, my reader, how does it make me feel? I pass in this world as a white male, but in the eyes of asian women, I am inferior, yet superior at the same time. My mother favored blue eyes and blonde hair, and of course I could never possess these qualities. At very best, I am a mimic by nature, at very worst I am simply an upgraded asian. I have had racism instilled within me by my parents – I am the product of the fact that women find asian males ugly and unappealing, whereupon it is obvious to me that my life is rendered paradoxical and embarrassing. I am proof that asian men are ugly, and because my mother was Asian, that I am less than a white man.

So, knowing that I am an asian man, that asian women severely hate – or rather dislike – asian men, and prefer white men, I have no reason to live; even my own mother would have hated me, or at least thought me not worthy to be a partner. I don’t know how I can live with the knowledge that my own mother wanted me to be whiter, something that I am biologically incapable of being. This is too much for my mind to bear and I plan to kill myself.

I have already decided on sleeping pills and alcohol, or using the garage method. However I will be returning to china soon and won’t have a car available. I’ve decided that my life is worthless, that I am ugly and second only to white males, and that I should die if only because there is no reason for me to live.

A New Start

After Elliot Rodger’s massacre, I deleted my old website because I didn’t want to be associated with him in that time, since we are both mixed-Asian, and although I am suicidal, I am not homicidal. I merely wish to end my life eventually.

For all the readers that may come across this, I have been planning my death for a while. My depression has been long and crippling since I was a teenager, and I have come to the conclusion that my suicide is inevitable. The only reason I managed to make it so long is because I am able to hide my ethnicity and whereby not be affected by racism that would have otherwise killed me. My mother was Asian, and as it is very common for Asian women to suffer from depression, with China being the only country in the world with higher rates of suicide than men, I probably inherited this feature. 

My mixed race heritage has a lot to do with my depression. Firstly, my mother was one of those women who hated Asian men and absolutely wanted to marry a white man – since to her, blue eyes and red hair was the ideal, the only form of genes that was worthy of impregnating her. I feel uncomfortable look at those pictures of myself when I was young. As a half-Asian, by default, that means I am inferior in my mother’s own eyes, as a man, and undeserving of even reproducing, since to her, and many other Asian women, I am an inferior, ugly Asian man. Even my own mother said so.

The world is an ugly and inhospitable place. I am very, very tired and no longer wish to live here. The purpose of this website is largely to catalogue my thoughts and perhaps serve as a letter to my family and to nobody in particular if and when I choose to end my life. I am not saying I will end it tomorrow, next week, or next year, but all I know is that my pain is unbearable at times, and at the very worst I really want to die. I feel regretful having deleted my old site but again I do not want to be associated with Elliot Rodger, who wanted to hurt others, when I merely want to end my own life. 

I do not plan to die tomorrow. I know for a fact that I will end my life at some point in the future, and that whether or not that is in one year or ten, it will happen, as I am so depressed that I can barely contain my sorrow at times, enough to continue forward into the future. The only reason I do stay alive is for my wife, whom I love very dearly, and she saved me from killing myself at age 25, which I would have done had I not met her. Therefore, my goal in life is to lover her and treat her well.