Pouring out my feelings

Today I have decided permanently that I shall die, but only once my father has passed, as well as my grandmother. I also cherish my wife and will stay alive for her. However I am already dead, having commit spiritual suicide long ago. There is merely nothing left for me here in this world.

I need to address something. As you know, my parents were mixed, with, of course my mother being asian and my father white. This obviously is not a coincidence. Many asian women are quick to say that this is because of poor behavior on the part of asian men, patriarchal, sexist attitudes, etc., but I imagine most of the hostility derives after the asian women have decided that Asian men are ugly; I.e., it’s clear that asian women are not attracted to asian men, whereby they pursue relations with white men, this earning the anger of asian males. I do not believe there is anything to the rhetoric that they spit. It’s fairly clear to me that I have been doomed to be the product of nothing more than aggressive breeding habits.

Now, knowing this, my reader, how does it make me feel? I pass in this world as a white male, but in the eyes of asian women, I am inferior, yet superior at the same time. My mother favored blue eyes and blonde hair, and of course I could never possess these qualities. At very best, I am a mimic by nature, at very worst I am simply an upgraded asian. I have had racism instilled within me by my parents – I am the product of the fact that women find asian males ugly and unappealing, whereupon it is obvious to me that my life is rendered paradoxical and embarrassing. I am proof that asian men are ugly, and because my mother was Asian, that I am less than a white man.

So, knowing that I am an asian man, that asian women severely hate – or rather dislike – asian men, and prefer white men, I have no reason to live; even my own mother would have hated me, or at least thought me not worthy to be a partner. I don’t know how I can live with the knowledge that my own mother wanted me to be whiter, something that I am biologically incapable of being. This is too much for my mind to bear and I plan to kill myself.

I have already decided on sleeping pills and alcohol, or using the garage method. However I will be returning to china soon and won’t have a car available. I’ve decided that my life is worthless, that I am ugly and second only to white males, and that I should die if only because there is no reason for me to live.

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