The feeling that you no longer want to go on. Compounded with the idea that your own mother was one of these awful, sadistic whores who treated men like shit, other than her sacred white males. I’m so tired. I just can’t deal with it. I hardly go out anymore. Why? So these whores look at me like I’m better because of my white blood? Is that it? I no longer care. Today I thought what would happen if I had a gun to my head, ready to die; I would probably feel nothing, just relief. These whores keep lying, they lie lie lie with their mouths hanging open. I wish there was a hell for then
You really could never imagine it.
In your mind she was an angel, but all she was doing was following her biological instincts to breed. She didn’t think asian men were good enough to be worthy of breeding just like every other whore in my family. She didn’t give a damn about anything else, just that. I’m the product of extermination. This is what you wanted, mom? This is what you wanted. Your own son was destroyed by you before he even came out of the womb, and look at the other one. 31 with no job, no future; filled with your mental illness and the results of your crippling racist insanity. My own mother said asian men were worthless – look at us. How many times were we bullied in school, and yet you whore, even you preferred white men. How could we love you? How could we think fondly of OUR OWN MOTHER WHO BETRAYED US?!
You wanted asian men to die, didn’t you. All of these women do. They don’t care about their personalities of their inner qualities; that’s the biggest load of shit we’ve ever heard. You care only about one thing – genes. I am a walking testament to it – to evolution according to women, and I refuse to be a part of it.
My wife, she is not like you. She is much more beautiful and kind than you ever will be. You destroyed our family. You and your psychopathy, destroying my weak father; you KNEW he was weak and that he would fall for an asian woman, you calculating cunt. And yet when he wasn’t making enough god damn money you KNEW that you could move on. You deteriorated and destroyed your own life, because you couldn’t face what you had done, you monster. Look at your sisters, three of them married Chinese, and now you are in the ground in New Jersey; they are millionaires so many times over. But you, like my cousins, prefer even the most worthless, pathetic white male to an asian male. How could you do it? You and your kind – you created a monster. You never asked me if I wanted to be here, did you?
I have dreams about you, mother, dreams where I try my hardest to get away from you. I hope to never see you again. Should I thank you for giving me this life? A life of pain and horror knowing that you abandoned your own race like the millions of whores overrunning the west? Look what happened. Every day for me is agony. I stay here only for my wife; I devoted my life to her.
I already committed suicide by coming here. I’m already dead a thousand times over. Imagine if I had the pain of looking asian – I probably would have shot myself by the time I was 17. You pig, you are no better than the rest.
It’s over. I’m done.
Want to know what goes through the mind of someone who is suicidal? It’s whether I should do it in he garage or do it with sleeping pills.
So many people tell me to get help. No. No, no, no. Help from what? Get away from women and their hypergamy? Their racism? What help is that? One where I can live in a world masquerading as a white man while asian men are treated like shit? That’s what you want, is it? Isn’t it? You recognized it and took advantage of it.
I’m done, then. I’m sorry my father. You need to know that not a day had gone by for the past fifteen years that I have been happy and not wanted to kill myself. You should thank my wife for keeping me from doing that. But in sorry to you. You don’t know my pain. You never will. You have your religion that blinds you but if you ever took off your blinders you would see my mother for what she really was.
I want to die. I want to die so badly, I wish every night, every god damn night that I would just close my eyes and never wake up again. My wife who I love dearly could find a good Chinese man and make him happy. But I took her. Aren’t I what I hate? Isn’t that it? Isn’t that fucking it? I want to die, I want to be alone for eternity.
I think about it every day. About just sticking that gun, my uncles gun, into my mouth and just blowing my brains out. Every day, man, but you can’t see it. I’m here for my wife and for you. I have no emotions left. I’m a goddamn machine, that’s all. Just a goddamn machine. And you don’t see it, dad, you never will see it; you know it’s there but you don’t want to see it. You can’t because the truth would destroy you from the inside like it destroyed me. Completely.
Hated asian men. She wanted to kill them. They were just as good as dead to her. The more I learn the more I realize that asian women hate asian men so much as to abuse them when they see them in person; these women go on social media and show off their mixed “whitish” babies so proudly. I am the product of that. How can I love with myself like this? These women seek to destroy asian men, all traces of them. I am the product of this. My mother wanted the asian in her to die, so I will.
I’ve devoted my life to my wife. She’s the only reason I live. Maybe she was sent to me to postpone my suicide. If I hadn’t met her I would have ended it long ago. I have seen some strange things in my life that I take as signs. I am not afraid to end my life. I look forward to it actually. Living in a world where these evil women are not punished by god is worse than not living at all. My diary I am telling you right now that I live only for her. I am an empty machine with nothing else to live for. I await my death urgently and with anticipation. I can’t wait for it to be over.
Knowing my mother was one of those just looking for a white guy, as just not any white guy, but a tall one. I made no mistake marrying the woman I did because she is wonderful and moral. Our children will suffer in this world. There are too many people, many of then bad and corrupt. I don’t know what to do. I don’t quite understand people who fear death. Why fear death? What better release is there than death? What better way to be free? I have had a happy life. If I go back west I could never find love there. It is just as corrupt. Everything is corrupt. The worst thing my father taught me was to think that god was in control. The very system in which women operate is against the very tenets of god; in fact I’d go so far as to say that god was created as a means to grapple with this. Sure I could find other women. I hate how women view me just for my skin color. I learned humility. I don’t want to, I want to believe in god. Fuck this world. Even if you win it’s at the expense of other people. It’s one half against the other, my white against asian, tall against short, etc., etc, not happy. I don’t think I ever will be. What is this life? Where are we going as a human people? Merely evolving?
I am already dead. I died a long time ago. I’m just here for my wife. I dream of death as a great release. But my soul is already beaten down and destroyed. I walk around like a ghost. No dreams or hope, but merely a dispassionate ennui and pain. My own mother was the thing I hate. My father clueless, my brother is a wreck. All my friends are superficial and don’t care, just dancing their little dances. This world is too much for me. I’m in bed now and I feel comfortable here in the dark. Nothing can get me here.
How does it feel for a man to know that he is, nothing more, the product of female sexual selection and evolution? How does it feel for me to know that one half of me is better than the other? It feels awful. I love my wife so much and at times I don’t ever want to hurt her; but I feel terrible that I am a white face and perhaps this is the reason she loves me. I feel sorry for the men out there who will be alone for their whole lives, rejected by women for something that they cannot control: their race or height. I hate this world. On one hand in the west I could never find a woman to love me as I did here. On the other hand I am foolish to think that my privilege has not helped me secure such a love. I hate my life. Every day is agony for me. I am here only for my wife who I will devote my whole life too. I fantasizes about killing myself today. I figured sleeping pills and alcohol is the best way to do it, and that it will be painless and peaceful, because sleeping is what I love to do. I am at peace when I sleep. Every day is painful for me to make it through and I find refuge in sleep. I feel that I am in hell, caught between worlds, the one of racist white masculinity, which my mother fed into and worshipped, and the world of asian men, where I can easily imagine myself being born with different facial features by pure chance, and presumably spending the rest of my days alone. But at least I am at peace now, knowing that I have the option of suicide. I know that I will have this bed here on which to sleep and die. I see no other joy or point in life. I cannot wait to die. I know this is not normal, but I cannot wait. The day will come when my death is certain and I’ll be happy. Maybe I could have married a woman of another race but I don’t feel the pressing need to regret; why should I regret? Why should I fear my son won’t be viewed as a human being? Why should I feel as if my own child won’t be considered good enough by women who look like him? I do not care anymore. I am too tired. I want to die. Good night.
We might as well be dead. Even my own mother thought I was better because I’m half white. Fuck this world.
They hate asian men. They feel so happy when they have a white baby.
Congratulations mom, you exterminated half of me. I am a so called white man. I don’t want to live in a fucking world where people are treated like this.
With all the racism directed at asian men women have the privilege of being excluded from it, yet you still treat asian men like they are subhuman and not worthy of breeding. So I guess that’s what I am.
At this point in life I have no desire to go outside or to socialize because I am merely the product of hatred and natural selection. There is no god, no nothing.
I swear to you on everything the happiest day of my life will be the day that I know I will die. I mean this with every ounce of honesty and trueness. I hope every whore can see this: this is how you kill your sons.
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel ashamed to be Chinese?
Who taught me this pain and self hatred?
What kind of a woman can deny her own heritage, can say that all asian men are ugly and then pass this hatred onto their sons? How can you go out looking for a white man, as if only a white man is good enough, and then your son is supposed to think that is okay?
How can I go through life living like this? How can I look in the mirror and see something that is both wanted and unwanted?
I’m at the end of my rope. At least these guys who I see outside that are short and plain have their mind around to tell them that they are attractive and handsome, what do I have?
Honestly fuck these people that worship whites. Fuck that. I hope they burn in hell.
Why can’t people love each other regardless of how they look? Do you know how much I regret that I am viewed as ugly by Asian women as soon as they find out that I am half asian? It breaks my heart that I am viewed as lesser because I am not fully white. Even my own mother thought blue eyes and red hair was the supreme male; yet I could never have these features. I am worthless, even my mother believed so. I will die soon. My life is painful and filled with unbearable agony every day. I hate waking up in the morning; I hate playing this game where I am viewed as “better” because of my appearance, yet half of my genes make me worse. I hope any asian woman who reads this will reflect on the pain she causes.
I plan to die soon; only my wife and father keep me here. I have deliberately been poisoning my body and feel that it is failing me. I will write my will today.