Dear readers

I am beyond sorrow now. I am beyond the point of ever being able to live a happy life. It cuts me deeply to know that women act out of evolutionary instincts and I’m the product, yet the same women that would seek the blonde type would also see me as inferior. I lied my whole goddamn worthless life that I was white but I’m not. I accept it now. If this means I must die then that’s what it means. I’m beyond saving now. My head is ringing and I feel like vomiting just going outside seeing the couples that brought me into existence, based on such hatred and humiliation. Just cuckolding. Some piece of shit white guy with his ugly asian whore laughed at some asian guys today and I wanted to rip his throat out with my bare hands, to peel the skin from his face and make him eat it. I’m on the brink. I shouldn’t drink alcohol because I might snap. I’m on the brink. I hate it. Fuck my parents, I haven’t spoken to my father in a long time and no longer want to. I cannot look him in the eye

Today

Today I am out in sanlitun, which is a popular area for foreigners to visit in Beijing. I saw many mixed couples. It shames me to my very core that whites are valued more. They have the nerve to come here and pretend they are “discovering” this place. Many of these couples have awful smirks on their faces. How can you raise a kid with the mother submitting to a racist male who believes himself superior? Elliot Rodgers was vindicated in his actions. His mother made him. Christ I am starting to hate my white side more than my asian. Thank god for my wife, otherwise I might have gotten violent. When I drink I feel like attacking random people like this.

Mornings thoughts

It makes me very sad that my mother among other women was so cruel that she thought that a race of men was beneath her. I too have been in a position where women have said I was not good enough for them because of my heritage. I hate these people. There is no bottom to their depravity. But there is nothing I can do. It is evolution. No matter what a person does, women want what they want. They are preselecting genes off the bat. No matter what a man may do with his life his fate is sealed by what he looks like. Unfortunately my father mistook my mother’s gene based hypergamy as some kind of divine love, which was merely a lie for status and taller genes. I guess she succeeded. Everything else in life is meaningless. Nothing I can so then but whittle away my life until I die. I am completely empty inside, I have zero emotions but sadness and hatred. I am twiddling my thumbs until I die. I was complicit in a woman’s awful genocidal gene based hate program. This makes me realize that life has no meaning except for those white males good enough to pass along their genes. I’m dead. Just a walking corpse looking for an excuse to live another day. My daydreams are becoming less fantastical and more grounded. I have accepted my plan of suicide as being doable and fearless. I have moved beyond the worry of my soul’s fate and accepted it as being just a biological process, something that is as natural as my own birth. I think now that the best course of action is to give my life to my wife, destroy every last part of my living soul, and pass my time with bland entertainment and food. There is no point to living if billions of men I care about are being lied to and actively exterminated. I don’t want to live here.

This weekend

This weekend I was invited by my idiot of an uncle to speak on a subject that I have no interest in or any deep knowledge of, only because I am a white face, or at least somewhat white. This offends me because I know that if they brought an actual white male he would receive a much better response. The entire time I was dying to get out of there and go back to my place in Beijing where I could work on the things that I actually care about. I hate that I am treated differently because of my face. It’s like a betrayal of one half of myself. What a goddamn terror this is. It’s easier for me to just imagine myself as being Chinese. May my mother burn in hell. I hope to never see her again. She confused me and destroyed our lives from the moment she looked at my father; it took me 28 years to look in the mirror and realize that I wasn’t white, just a cheap knockoff according to what my whore of a mother wanted, barely passable as the real thing. May these types of women burn in hell for eternity. I thank god that I wasn’t born more asian looking because I surely would have blown my fucking brains out sooner; I am extremely at risk and the times that I don’t want to end my life are much less frequent than the times I do. I have so much anger and rage inside of me that I don’t know if I can contain it successfully in the future. Dad, I know it’s too goddamn much to understand for you. Your mind is too simple. What exactly was mom doing when she fucked you? Yet she’s still your angel. Of course you believe in god. The whole world was handed to you on a platter. You are a tall white guy. That’s all you need, isn’t it? That’s where your god comes from. Imagine the desperation of an asian male in America who goes through life being shit on my the same women that white males supposedly value as being some kind of divine gift to complement white privilege. Fuck it. There is no god, only hypergamy. I hope you can understand this. After I learned to accept it I became free. Free to live what’s left of my life before taking the final plunge. And stop god damn worshipping my wife. There is no angelic quality inherent to women. She’s just a normal, well adjusted woman, very different from your skank of a dead wife. She actually prefers Chinese men. Something my ugly trash of a mother never did.

If there is something that will destroy all of your hope in life it is the idea that a race of men is being exterminated and actively avoided. That’s what happened to me. I don’t in good conscience believe that this should be accepted nor should I somehow think that my life should be cherished when this was the ugly, ugly, ugly, UGLY circumstance that brought it about. If anything I am filled with self hatred because this was what happened to give birth to me, and my demographic is specifically the result of this extermination. I take zero pride in this and want the people involved to pay.

Which is it then? Am I better because I am white or mixed? But surely it’s not the asian in me. Can’t wait to fucking die.

I feel dread

The very fact that so many women hate asian ness so much makes me realize that there must he something inherently wrong with me, even my own mother thought so, the fact that so many women say no asian men, means that we are inferior. I am dead

Dear father

I know you could never understand. I know you look at everything in the framework of god. But good men do not get rewarded in this world. In fact good men may suffer for a long, long time. I have always been kind, yes, I have bullied a few people, but out of my own internal hell, but I have always treated everyone with respect and kindness, and I can say this firmly that I never looked down on anyone for their race or appearance.

But dad, please try to understand. I cannot help but wonder what my mother wanted in you; especially when it is so common here for women to throw themselves at tall white men for sex. I severely doubt my mother’s intentions were noble in coming onto you; it is so common, but what about asian men, dad? They are ignored and treated as if they are nothing. You cannot understand. You don’t understand the life of a short, asian man, so of course you feel entitled to a god. But the man who sees himself lonely his whole life, desperate for love while sex is given away so cheaply to men just because of how they look… Dad, the majority of asian women are like mama was; they refuse to marry asian men. I cannot help but think that mama’s love was less than pure. I’m sorry. They actually hate asian men – they don’t find them attractive; what can a man believe in if he is too unattractive to even have a family? And it doesn’t matter their intentions, dad, it just means that there are a large portion of men that are deemed unfit to breed. They are excluded from the basic purpose of life…. How can I believe in god knowing this? The majority of asian women are like this, dad, not the minority. As a result I may never experience the same benefits of being tall and blue eyed, and I suffer the shame of knowing my parents were part of this horrible demographic. Even my wife may have fallen for me merely because I am reasonably tall. Dad, what about the short men? Who do they believe in as they are overlooked and practically exterminated?

I am too tired now. I am desperate for death. The pain I feel knowing that I am the result of natural selection in this particular combination is overwhelming. I can barely go outside. I feel a shortness of breath at times, and the pain in my stomach comes and goes. My body is deteriorating as well as my mental state. Do you remember our last dinner? Do you know how much pain I was in?

I love you dearly and I always will. But knowing that my own mother was hypergamous was enough to remove any hope that life has meaning other than that chosen by women. I know it will destroy you if I were to die, but I am in so much agony that I can barely work or function. I just long for eternal sleep. I know it will hurt you to read this, and I hope you never will. I find myself hoping that you pass before me, so that I have the excuse to end my life. Maybe after grandma goes too. My wife might be okay. I promised her to take care of her but I no longer know if I’m in the mental state to do so.

I know you’re disappointed in me for not becoming a doctor, but you surely must understand, that I doubt my self worth, that I see there is little point when the majority of women like mama wanted nothing more but to get away from what she saw as inferior. I hope you can mull over this and try to understand.

I will sleep. Also I don’t know the actual process of writing a will but I have been planning on doing so soon. If this serves any legal purposes I will give half to my wife and half to you and my brother. I hope you can manage it and use it to care for yourself and my brother.

There are good people out there that reach out to me, but I think the damage is already done. I read today that some asian women even encourage their half asian sons die if they cannot come to terms with their mothers decisions. I think this is enough for me. I am touched that strangers reach out to me and I wish I could thank them in person but I am just too far gone. I am 28 now and I am three years past the date that I planned to die originally and my mind is rapidly deteriorating and my physical pain gets worse.

Good night. I love you, I know you always meant well but you could never have really understood. Maybe I made a mistake with my wife but she saved my life. I love her dearly. She saved my life at that time. I’m sorry dad, I really am.

Story of my pathetic life, version 2

I could have passed as white, maybe. People said I looked like a Uighur, or a Russian. But most people assume that I was white, from Central Asia. I denied my heritage for a very long time.

It hurts me very much that a group of men are considered worthless and that they are slated for being bred out. I am clearly not white and I never could be. In retrospect I was a very very difficult child and I chalk this us up the confusion in my household.

My mother died in 2000, because
when I was born my Caucasian head was too large for her body so she required a c-section and as a result received a bad blood transfusion and was infected with hepatitis B or C, and spent the rest of her life until I was 14 terrorizing our family. I think ultimately she grew so sick of my father because he wasn’t making enough money and began to turn me against him by humiliating him and abusing him. She abused us and hit us. She largely ignored me. Maybe because I looked whiter than my brother. She became more controlling of my brother and dominated his entire life, coddling him into being a perfect all around student.

A year before she died she had become extremely violent and my father visited her in the hospital with gifts but she took them and threw them against the wall. The day she died I came back from school and my aunts were sitting in the living room. They told me what happened, and I said nothing and left the house to play basketball. At her funeral I didn’t cry at all. I did not love her and I still do not. When I dream of her she appears in two instances; one is that she is driving a car, and crashes it into the water or into a wall. The other, I just try to get away from her.

My brother destroyed himself after her death. He locked himself in his room for one year. He never left the house. My father forced us to go live in another state with him. At the time I had become unruly and violent and my father called the police on me in several instances. My brothers mental state deteriorated and he was in and out of doctors who prescribed medicine to him for no apparent use; he has since been on drugs for nearly fourteen years and his mind has been entirely destroyed. He is not anything like he was when he was younger. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and his mind collapsed in on itself and he is unable to have even a conversation. He will never come back from this, and I owe it all to mental illness and pathological terror brought on by my insane mother.

I had meant to post this a while ago but had forgotten. I had been away with my wife on a business trip. I have given myself up to fate and to my wife now. I consider myself fully Chinese if only because it is easier for me to accept. China saved my life in that it restores what little self esteem I had and possibly prevented me from killing myself. I am already spiritually dead with fleeting moments of happiness but in the bulk of time my escape is by thinking of the wonderful people I have met here who are not brainwashed like my mother and who do not worship whites.

It is a terrible realization to know that your own mother bent over for a white man only because he was white; career, character, and everything else was meaningless to her. I do not love her. I am free of her now, finally. I have accepted who I am and will struggle with it as long as I am alive. I am ready to die and fear nothing anymore. In this past year I have learned to accept that I am nothing more than the product of some evil on behalf of my parents and that the only true, sure escape, is through death. I prefer it this way.

I’ll take my chances

My wife is really the only reason I’m alive.

I didn’t think about the reasons why my mother chased my father until I recently. I have always been depressed and suicidal but this is the last straw that will destroy me.

When I came to china I figured I had white privilege but I never thought of asian men as being less, or even different. I knew I had the privilege of just being a good looking young man. I never considered the implications. Because of my narcissistic religious father and whore of a mother I came to believe that I was owed things, and left America because I thought that women there were far too crazy to be worth my time, too slutty and too immoral; combined with my low self esteem and internal confusion I also felt insecure, that I was not good enough for white American girls, or any American girls for that matter. By my own admission for whatever reason before I came here, I identified as white but was on the brink of suicide. The asian inside me made me more conservative than my peers. I wondered why society was taking such a turn for the worst. A career and happiness looked out of reach for me because I realized early on that women were unreliable and did not care about careers, rather only looks, and if they did care about careers their only investment in a man would be for his money.

I took the jump and came here already a spiritually dead man. I met my wife by sheer chance and she was so sweet that she tolerated my great flaws and practically saved my life. The time that I was alone here in Beijing might very well have been terminal for me but she guided me through it.

It was the thought of having a child that mostly perturbed me, knowing that the child would look much more asian than me, and would suffer in ways that I didn’t. I never really experienced anti asian racism except from a few women that said negative things about it, but now the fact that I may have a child makes me question if it is fair to bring him into a world that is so ugly.

My reader, whether you read this now or far into the future, I am not merely looking for attention. Many people claim they will kill themselves merely for attention but hardly do people really ever do it. I have made the final decision already to end my life if it were not for the constant presence of my wife, and I have already killed my soul inside and have prepared myself mentally for death. To be honest I would have little hesitation when the time comes to end it, as I have really nothing to live for. No career, no passions but my art, only my wife. Sometimes I wish that she could be free and find a good Chinese man to marry just so I can be free to kill myself.

My father, of course, is not mentally strong enough to see the world for what it is. He still views women as angels. I mentioned to him in passing that asian men have it quite hard in the world and he merely told me to pray. He never considered that he was complicit in the extermination of an entire race, and that my mother spread her legs for him for the only quality that he was white. I feel pain thinking of my childhood where my mother somehow must have thought I was better because of my skin color. I feel pain thinking about people like my brother and other asian men that I care about that know the pain of being rejected just for their skin color. This is a dehumanization. I am dehumanized because one half of me is thought to be worse, and I can never escape this kind of truth about myself. I admire greatly stronger men than I that can fight through it. I envy people that can go through life truly happy because they know that their race will never be an issue – like my father, these are the men that can believe in god, not is bastards. There is no point in trying to deny my heritage anymore. It does not make me inferior but women and this world think it does.

To anyone who can read this, this is the diary of a man on the brink of death, with nothing left to live for, and only a small push would be required to send me into the abyss of death. Rarely are there days that I am happy.
I have already decided that I will take pills and alcohol and die in my own bed, whilst leaving the door unlocked for whomever to find me. I somehow wish that I could make more of a statement but there is little point to it and I firmly believe that every man and woman will receive their due soon, once the spillover from our degenerate society takes its toll.

I was thinking about Elliot Rodgers the other day, and how I spoke to him the night before his murders. There will be more like him. Not me, but the mental illness that plagues our demographic is overwhelming. In a way, he brought karma to his mother and father in ways they could never imagine. Just as my mothers karma was her death. I feel no sorrow at that. I am ready
to die myself and wish to never see her again. I just long for peace.

Night.

A letter to my father

I know there are a lot of couples like you. I know that maybe you think my life is a failure. I’m not pinning anything on anyone. I know that I have never had motivation or the endurance to do anything. To be honest you wanted me to be a doctor but I could never do it. Dad, your whole life revolves around your faith, and a lot of your faith comes from mom. To you, she could never do wrong. She was the alternative to the awful American woman.

But dad, I questioned myself; I questioned why I had these mental problems, why my brother also does so. I questioned why so many asian women demean and treat asian men like they are subhuman. And I realized that even if it wasn’t true about mom, the case remains that it is too painful to think that this life is worth living when I am perceived as less because of my blood. You know both my cousins, J and S, are either married or I relationships with white guys. They are exactly the type who would say terrible, terrible things about asian men; that they are not masculine enough, or too small. But dad, what about me? I’m half asian – so I must be worse than a white man, right? I neither have your height or your build or your hair, or your eye color; my body is oriental and my hair is too. It feels awful knowing that no matter what ones character is, he will be denied because women prefer the closest equivalent to a brute or a caveman. And regardless if it’s true or not, the incredible rate at which asian women out marry makes me severely doubt my self worth. Maybe they simply prefer more hairy, more masculine men, but that means that we, their sons, could never be like their mothers ideal, yet somehow “better” than asian men. Of course you can see the internal conflict here. Of course you can see why both of us drove you crazy.

It’s not your fault for what happened to me eventually. You were young and didn’t understand. So was I when I left America. But I did so because I felt unwanted, that I could never compete with the men there and could never find a wife when they pretty much all just want casual sex with the most masculine guy they can find, regardless of character. It hurts me deeply. But my wife saved my life. You never knew this; you can’t fathom a life away from god, but I have always been on the brink. I am not happy here, but what kept me going for all those years was a faint belief in god.

The ultimate pain came when I realize that the only reason I am alive is because of a hypergamous mother who wanted “whiter” kids and hated her own men, and that I literally am part of the extermination process of the most decent and upstanding group of men on the planet, fills me with both guilt and self hatred. On one hand I am thankful that I had an easier time on this planet free from overt racism but on the other hand I feel terrible, terrible pain knowing that there are so many women that would refuse me knowing my other half, and that refuse men because of their heritage, and that I somehow have it easier in life cause I am able to pass. I am overwhelmed with guilt and anguish at this, and a pure and seething hatred at the world. I hate asian American women with a passion for subjecting me and my kind to something like this, where we are still inferior after their breeding pogrom.
This deprives my life of any belief in god, and makes me understand that life’s purpose is merely for genes, the best genes to be passed along. Women know what they want and will get what they want regardless of how much we believe in god or how good men we are. Either we live or die; and through me, an asian man died. If that is the case then I want to die too,

Removing god from my life in this way is painful and something I can no longer deny. My only hope is my wife but my child will suffer in ways that I cannot imagine. I will accept and understand should he choses to end his own life. Last night I imagined the pain you would feel if I were to end my life since I am your hope now, because of how sick my brother is. I will try to postpone my death just because I don’t want to hurt you. But believe me, by this year 2014, I am already dead, well within the realms of suicide and mentally prepared to end my life at any moment, including right now. This isn’t for attention, just merely my way of escaping the pain, and perhaps teaching asian women a lesson.

Maybe there is a god and maybe the other side is better, but there really is no way of finding out, and maybe is better than this certain pain I face every day, day after day after say after day for so many years. I hope you can understand.

You know something

My whole life I was confused; reader. I tried to be white. I swore I was an I denied my heritage. To say that I was crazy was an understatement. It hurts me very much to know that my mother thought she could be something that she wasn’t. I feel sorry for these men that live their lives perpetually in the shadow of white men. That’s what we are, us mixed race children. Just the result of worship of something that we could never be. My poor father never understood this; he could never understand the dynamics of it. He could never fathom that my mothers intentions were faulty; to him, god is in control. God is clearly not in control. Nature is. These women will fuck any man that turns them on, regardless of the psychological cost to their children. My brother and I were destroyed since the very beginning. Stuck between worlds and unfamiliar with both. I barely passed into the white side. But they would never accept me. Anyways I feel better now that I’ve accepted that I am already dead. I can’t live in this world where the evilness of women dominates. The horror of knowing my mother’s intentions is too much for me. I can only hope the same death on the whores who continue the cycle. I feel nothing anymore. Nothing. I can’t go back to the west. I know the women there are worse, whores to the extreme. I will live out the rest of my days quietly here. I rarely go out anymore. I hate the idea that women look at me because I am a foreigner. They must think that my white side is better than my Chinese side. That is hell on earth. I cannot wait to die. Today I thought of how peaceful it would be to die. It would be rewarding. I have accepted it. I will look to die peacefully in my sleep. I could never hang myself, but maybe take a combination of medications. There are times that I wish I had a heart attack. If anything my dear reader, the idea that I am a walking corpse had rid me of a bit of anxiety. I enjoy entertaining the idea that I’m already dead, which I am. It is liberating. I have had many things. I love, and I love my wife dearly. I love the idea of good people, of the Chinese being good and wonderful people, which a lot of them are. I love china dearly, and I believe she saved my life. Mandarin has a calming effect on my soul. I would love to die here, and have my ashes thrown out into a lake, or anywhere in this country. I owe a lot to this place; it very well postponed my suicide.

Anyways, if you’re reading this, good night.