I am going to pass from this earth and I’m sure many of you can never understand.
I suppose my mind reached out and found nothing at the edge of everything.
There is nothing more devastating that realizing your own mother acted on the same biological instincts that affect you negatively to this day. Character, intelligence, kindness and virtue are irrelevant in the face of physical qualities. Unfortunately most women would never admit this but they know it is true. So, my life is without meaning by default. I have long since given up. What faith I had is gone and I am a walking ghoul.
I know this will be hard for you to understand. Some of you I have never talked to in years, because frankly you are able to accept a world that I cannot. I have had many things taken from me except my dignity but now it is stripped and I am nothing anymore. I hardly go outside and when I do I hide my face because I hate that I am viewed as something I am not, with one side superior. Why am I superior to other men? Shorter men? Asian men? This is the tragedy of the world that I cannot live with. It’s something extremely painful to me and has long disturbed me.
To my friends, I do care about you but at the end of the day many of you can not understand my pain.
To my readers, I hope that I was able to present an honest and true picture of my mind and heart. I do not think any will miss me, and let’s not kid ourselves, I’ll be forgotten as people continue to do exactly what they want to do according to their biological instincts. So I will do what I want to do.
A man can take before he is pushed to the edge.
One side against my other.
I have been reduced into a shell of a man. I feel no empathy or emotions except sadness and terror.
Today I saw an American pawing his Chinese whore. The way he did it was a flagrant insult to the Chinese. I can’t help but wonder why my mother submitted to these people. My own mother. Others look at me as if I am better because of my European features – but god forbid I was my brother who would pass unnoticed as a Chinese.
I keep this diary for my thoughts. I am on the brink and need to compose my thoughts to let myself vent and let others know that my sanity is tenuous at best and that I am on the very edge of life and death.
Sometimes I feel I am between worlds. I am half asian but don’t look asian. But still too odd for living in the west. I have a passive personality and am very democratic and empathetic. In a way I am very asian. I tried my luck with women in the west but they did not want to settle down. My wife was the first to want to settle down with me. When I’m outside I feel a terrible guilt that women look at me as though I’m better because of my appearance. I’m not white. If I looked like my brother they wouldn’t care or treat me with respect. I know that if I looked different I would be nothing to them. This inner agony will be my death. I hope my wife does not feel similarly to these women that think whites are better. I wonder sometimes how these women who say horrible things about asian men get with racist white men and produce disastrous results. I long to fit in with one side. I long to live in a world where our appearance doesn’t dictate our worth to a huge population of women, my own mother included. I feel destroyed and broken inside. I have nothing left. I clearly will never be able to work normally. I sit here and just pine for death. That’s all. I’m worthless. Even my own mother was a traitor and a lunatic. I was screwed since birth. Screwed screwed screwed. Please just kill me now. Please god, why make me suffer like this? And my idiot father, he’d be so devastated. He couldn’t put two and two together. Why did my mother throw herself at him? Why?! Why?!?!!? BECAUSE HE WAS TALL AND WHITE?! WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF MEN WHO SHE THOUGHT BENEATH HER BECAUSE THEY WERENT TALL AND WHITE?!?! Where is their god?!????? This is your “angel”?! Everything you have in life was your own doing. Don’t blame others, don’t blame satan, don’t blame anyone but her and you. I’m sorry father, but this is how it is, in the real world. You need to take off your blinders. Just please, allow me to end it. Please, just let me sleep, let me sleep forever, just kill me, finish the job my mother started. Just kill me. Please. I’m begging anyone to just fucking kill me. Just hit me with a far or something. Just take me away. Let me go. Let the others figure it out. There will be nothing more once I’m dead. Nothing more at all. Please, tonight, tomorrow just please kill me. Anyone, just stab me or beat me, just please fucking kill me.
Everything in my life is meaningless. Everything in life is solely about sex and reproducing. Women already know what they want before someone even enters the picture. Today a girl stared at me on the subway only because I was a foreigner. It didn’t matter my personality. The fate of the world and myself is decided by women. My life is meaningless. My mother said “no asian guys”. It doesn’t even matter what kind of pussy I could get because I know so many good men are suffering and my own mother acted evilly. Nothing else matters. I am dead. Thank Christ for my wife because I would have shot myself three years prior to this. I have no reason to live. I hate how people look at me. I’m not a real white person, just a fake made by my whore mother. Can’t wait to die. Right now if it were not for my wife I would kill myself today. I’m 100% serious. Dead inside. I am dead. I’m not joking. I have my plan set out. You have been informed dear reader.
But this will be the issue that destroys me.
When I was younger I started to wonder why western civilization didn’t value the arts anymore, and I spent a lot of time obsessing about architecture. You know this well. My major in school was the history of architecture and I did so even though it would make me unemployable. I’ve always yearned to be an artist and now at 28 I have little in a way of a career because of my depression and low self esteem. I reached a point in which I would be in tears when an old building was torn down and replaced with a glass monstrosity or tepid uninspired modern junk. I wrote a number or articles to newspapers and actually cried; I wanted to end my life at that point too. Depression runs deeply in my veins and for all intents and purposes my mother killed herself too. She wasn’t well. The only thing that kept me going in those days was some odd faith in god, which I thought helped men at one point build beautiful buildings to make his environment more pleasant. As I got older I realized that the world is geared to becoming more ugly as money is the only inherent value as is sex. If anything the world is an atrocious place that immediately disadvantages some and offers nothing but benefits to cruel and awful people who did nothing to deserve it. It’s not that I don’t know the world is unfair. I could easily have played my “white side” to my advantage but my natural weakness gave me sympathy for asian men. When I came to china I was convinced that I was white and I left the west out of a terrible sadness that the west no longer valued beauty, and at that point I had given up on my desire to live there. I surely might have been able to find a white girl – not that it mattered her race – but I was disillusioned by how casually people cheated. After I came here I surely would have wound up dead if it wasn’t for my wife as I found a woman who values character above anything.
But it’s not enough. I can’t help but wonder if my appearance makes me better than the local Chinese, pitting one half against another. I now realize the truth of my parentage and the pain I feel is immense. I am an artist. I feel a constant sorrow and I doubt I will be able to outlive my father. I feel physically ill when presented with the atrocity that my parents were and am reminded of my own hell every time I get stared at on the street. I leave the house once a week at most and am devoting all of my time to my work because I am emotionally devastated,
Thank you for reading my readers if you are out there.
I know many would say that I’m only looking for attention but I am extremely serious in that I must appear clearly mentally ill. My brother is; he’s schizophrenic and can’t work. I can hardly work too. I guess if I get around to it I will talk about my parents. I am also making up no lies about my wish to end my life. I have already chosen the method and recurring thoughts are dozens of times per day. I feel zero investment in this world and am mentally prepared to ending myself. If there are any people out there who sympathize and or agree with me, may god bless you if there even is one. I just hope that my writing can maybe inspire you to call out evil behavior where you see it and to recognize the great trauma that these sadistic racists inflict on their children. In a way my family line is already dead. My brother won’t have children and I’m not sure if I have kids if they will be able to survive.